A day with the Akatsuki
by ObsessiveCompulsive5699
Summary: What REALLY happens between missions. Second chapter now up! Yaoi, crackness
1. Morning!

**Athor's notes**

**Well, here's another useless, random story. We should be working on Confusion, but we got sidetracked. We have nothing against the Akatsuki (obsessive loves them) but they are so funny! Anyways, here's the story.**

**Warning: Yaoi, crackness, slight canabolism, some violence**

**Disclamer: We don't own Cosmo, and if we owned Naruto, the akatsuki would be one big orgy...**

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**A day in the life of the Akatsuki**

Kisame has been staring at the wall for the last few minutes. Written there, in large blue paint, was 'FISH ARE FOOD NOT FRIENDS'. Finally, the message sunk into Kisame's brain.

"ZETSU!!!!" He screamed into the hideout. Not waiting for a reply, he ran into the kitchen. There sat Zetsu, about to eat a big, juicy tuna burger.

"I know you wrote that in the hallway! Why?!"

"I saw you last night. You ate Victoria!" He accused in a small, heart-broken voice.

"Victoria?"

"Yes…my dear Victoria. We had a third date on Wednesday."

Slightly freighted, Kisame replied, "All I had last night was a sal-oh god, you're not serious."

The hurt and angry look on Zetsu's face spoke for itself. "I most certainly am!"

Kisame stared in awe as Zetsu started sobbing. This whole situation was reaching a level of disturbing yet to be reached in his mind. He started edging away from the plant-man. All the sudden Zetsu's demeanor changed.

"_**We should eat you too. Then we shall never be without Victoria**_!" He got an evil look in his eyes.

Kisame stared for a moment, and then ran out of the room screaming "ITAAACHIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!"

Zetsu followed, though much slower. Kisame smacked into the wall next to the main room, where most of the Akatsuki was. He got up, then ran into the room, promptly plopping down in Itachi's lap.

Itachi was in the middle of reading Cosmo, when a large blue thing sat on him. "May I ask why you are on my lap, Kisame?" He asked calmly. This wasn't the first time it happened.

"Zetsu's trying to eat me!!!!!!!!!"

"You ate Victoria, didn't you?"

"Wha…Did everyone but me know about this?"

Everyone gave some form of agreement. Zetsu came into the room, murder on his face. Everyone stepped back, giving him a clear path to the fish and weasel men. Itachi sighed.

"Zetsu, you may not eat him. Remember how mad Leader got last time. May Akito rest in peace." He paused, and the others murmured 'Rest in peace'. He said "If you have a problem with him, I suggest you put a complaint in the complaint box."

The complaint box was hanging on Leader's door. It was all ways at least half full, even though he checked it every day. Some of the random complaints were 'Deidara keeps blowing my stuff up', 'Tobi won't respect my personal space, and the ever popular 'Itachi needs counseling!'.

Back to the story! Anyways, Zetsu was about to say something, when a loud moan came threw the wall. All turned to look at the wall in question. It was Sasori and Deidara's room. Looking around, the group realized Deidara and his 'Danna' were missing. The moans increased, and now there was a thumping sound. Everyone tried to concentrate.

Finally Itachi got fed up. He lifted Kisame, who for some reason had not moved, and got up. Walking down the hall slightly, he opened their door. He was about to say something, when a look of pure shock, then fear appeared on his face. He stopped breathing, then fell to the ground, shaking, and yelling.

"AHHHHH!!!!!! MY EYES!!!!! WHY CAN'T I BE BLIND!!!!!!!" He curled into a ball, repeating those words. So now the remaining men were graced with unmuffled groans AND Itachi's girlish shrieks.

Kakuzu started banging his head against a wall, muttering about 'therapy they'll need, and money they can't lose'. Hidan started killing himself, for momentary relief. Zetsu had shut the Venus flytrap leaves, and was trying to turn himself fully into a plant. Kisame was stuffing his head and body into the aquarium, and Tobi was bouncing between them all, saying random useless things. Then Leader walked in.

He took in all the mess, and the various positions his members were in. Rubbing his temples, he walked over to the artist's room and said "Are you finished yet?" Apparently so, because the noise from there stopped. He closed the door, then slapped Itachi and said "You. Are. Not. Blind." He walked over to Kakuzu and whispered something in his ear. Whatever it was, it put an evil smirk on his face. Stepping over Hidan's lifeless body (that would resolve itself), he pried open Zetsu and let him know it was over. He merely looked at Kisame, who was half in the fish tank, with just his legs in the air. Leader tapped on the glass, and Kisame stropped, and pulled himself out.

"Didn't your parents tell you not to tap on the glass?! Fish don't like that!"

Leader gave him a look that said 'I'm the leader of a large criminal organization. Do you honestly think I listened to my parents?' Leader looked them over, and said "One hour. I asked for one hour of peace. This is what I get." He sighed, and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "You are all S-class criminals. You are feared in all the ninja villages. For the love of Kami, pull yourself together."

"I believe in Jashin." Hidan corrected in a small voice. Suddenly 9 kunai's, coming from all different directions aimed at him. "Ow! Ow! Ow! I'm just saying! Stop it!"

Leader glanced at the clock. It was barely noon. This is gonna be another one of those days.

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So...yeah, no idea where that came from. Please reveiw!


	2. Afternoon!

**_Author's notes_**

**Another crack fic! Yay! This is the long awaited second chapter (not)! We are so proud of ourselves, because it doesn't suck!**

**Disclamor: If we owned Naruto, this would be an actual episode**

**Warning: Lots of Yaoi, scary food, and, of course, crackness**

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**Lunch time!**

It was lunchtime at the Akatsuki lair. All members, who had been previously engaged, were now standing in front of the almost empty fridge. Their stomach growls could be heard from outside. Finally, Blue decided to make casserole with the limited food they had left. As she was cooking, they all tried to sneak out.

Last time she made lunch, everyone had been sick for a week. Every since then, Leader made it a point to always have a well-stocked kitchen, so she would never have to cook again. Everyone was glaring at him, because he hadn't given them any grocery money in the last few weeks. He pointed to Kakuzu, who had hoarded all the money, and refused to share. Blue, oblivious to all this, brought them plates piled with some kind of…well, they wanted to call it food, but that might have been a lie.

It was all kinds of colors, and in the shape of…think of a bunch of old, random food, improperly mixed, thrown in an oven. It smelled like a dead dog. And if all that wasn't enough, before their eyes, it started to move.

They all stared. Then all jumped on Leader, holding on like he was the last lifeboat. Even Mr. "Ten-foot-pole shoved up his arse" Uchiha screamed for his mommy. The pile of "food" started to move towards them. Tobi, as the food got closer, heard a voice coming from the food.

"Tobi does not like this!" He yelled, and passed out on Leader. Sighing, and yet disturbed himself, Leader moved them all out of the kitchen. Turning to Blue, he told her to take care of it. She pulled out a kunai, and stabbed it to death. Then she picked it up and ate it. At this point, Hidan, Deidara, and Kisame passed out. Itachi was spazzing out on the floor. The Leader, Kakuzu, and Sasori twitched a bit. Zetsu was still in his room, grieving over Victoria.

"Why don't you all go to Ninjaway now, and I'll take care of Blue." Everybody woke up at this, and smiled. Zetsu came running into the room.

"No, Zetsu, you can not come and eat the civilians again." He slumped off, dejected.

"Kakuzu, give me my money. Now. All of it." Handing it over, He muttered about needing more income. Leader whispered something to him, and he perked up, yet again. It was very suspicious.

Leaving the lair, Hidan turned to him and asked "What did Leader say to you?"

"Oh, he told me I can make another porn video with you all."

"Okay. If that's all the fuctard told you." He kept walking, then stopped dead. "Wait, what? ANOTHER porn video? What the hell, man!?!?!"

"Well, how did you think we made all our money? We also steal some of your things, and sell them to fangirls." He replied calmly.

Hidan, along with everyone else, looked at him in horror. It explained how their stuff kept disappearing. They would have said more, but the store was now in view, and they got distracted. Kakuzu grudgingly gave them each some money, and they went into the store.

Hidan walked over to the video section, and did an anime fall. There, lined up neatly, was not one, not two, but at least a dozen different videos, all by the Akatsuki. He was horror struck. Then, adding to the horror, Orochimaru walked over, and him and Kabuto picked up one of every copy, muttering something about 'training ideas' and 'Sasuke'. Mentally puking, Hidan walked away.

Meanwhile, the store clerk was watching them all with a mix of fascination and disturbance. Kisame was using his sword to destroy all the fish sticks. Itachi was looking at himself in the mirror, picking out new nail polish, and half-heartedly saying "Kisame. Don't. You're making a mess." Kakuzu was in the bargain section of the store. Hidan was buying bleach. Tobi was trying to decide between the blonde Barbie and the brunette Barbie. Deidara was gazing at the many fireworks with stars in his eyes. Sasori was gently pulling him away, saying "Dei-Dei, not today. You still have some left over at home." It was a very comical sight.

In her mind, the clerk was thinking 'This is who everyone has been afraid of?'

Kakuzu got a call from Leader on his cell phone. "**ITS BEEN TWO HOURS! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!"**

"At Ninjaway."

"**STILL**!?!? Get home soon!" and he hung up.

Kakuzu sighed, and began rounding everybody up. He went to the front, and put his items down. The clerkj finished ringing it up, and said "Your total comes to $19.85, sir." She said, holding back laughter at what he bought (two bottles of lube, and a few cameras).

"_WHAT_? No, it coasts $19.65!"

"Its 20 cents, sir. Does it really make a difference?"

"Yes it does!"

They continued to argue. The others went and got magazines, and sat down. After about an hour, Kakuzu got another call from Leader.

"**THREE HOURS. I DON'T CARE HOW, BUT YOU BETTER GET HOME SOON!!** I had to tie up Blue, and she is NOT happy!"

"But, the store clerk is trying to steal from us…" Kakuzu whined.

"Put them on the phone."

He complied. The lady listened for about 10 seconds, then began to get very pale. Handing the phone back, she said meekly "Your total is $19.65, sir."

He smiled and handed her the money. The others followed suit, and left the store very happy. It wasn't until they were about halfway home that they realized Leader had sent them out for food, so they hurried back and bought some. When they finally made it back, it was 5:00.

Leader was sitting next to a very mad Blue. You could almost see the smoke coming out of their ears. If it wasn't such a dangerous situation, it would have been hilarious. As it was, they decided it was very good they had remembered they food, because if they hadn't, there would probably be "Help wanted" signs posted around tomorrow.

After dinner, everything had finally calmed down. Sasori and Deidara went to bed, Tobi was in his and Zetsu's room, having a heart-to-heart with the plant-man. Blue was playing with Itachi's pretty hair. Kakuzu was showing Leader, Kisame, and Hidan his 'special' pictures of everyone's 'private' moments. Leader passed out from shock. Kisame fell down from blood loss, caused by a picture of Itachi jacking of to _his_ picture. Hidan was looking at Kakuzu with eyes filled with respect and lust.

Kisame grabbed a bottle of lube, and pulled Itachi out of the room. Hidan wiggled his hips suggestively, grabbed the other bottle, and headed towards Kakuzu's room. Kakuzu gaped at him, then with some difficulty, followed him. Blue sighed, then picked up Leader, and carried him to his room.

This had been another one of those days.

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**So most (okay, all) of the disturbing yaoi parts came from Obsessive. Compulsive just lay on the floor, in the fetal position, crying. Review please!**

**By the way, for anyone who knows about Sai and his 'obsession', how do you think they're going to show those episodes in America?**


End file.
